A Good Day!

I have had a really hard week! Its rough having someone to depend on all day and then having to do it all by myself all day. Yesterday and the day before were really good days! Thanks to my sisters and their wonderful advice I have figured a few things out!

With Makenna it feels like I am completely starting from scratch! I know that every child is different and I expected that. I did not expect to have everything I learned with Riley to be completely thrown out the window! This is a totally and completely different experience.

Riley was an extremely patient baby. She needed to be, she had to be strong for all the crap I was going through after I had her. It was rough on me and she was the perfect baby for all of that! She was patient and happy and content almost all of the time. Makenna, however, is not! She knows I am capable and she is pushing me to my limits. Always wanted to be held, entertained, or fed. I am sure there is a permanent butt imprint on the chair now. I am there all day!

The past couple days have been great and I almost have it figured out! I have figured out that she isn't too young to let her cry a little to put herself to bed and that the floor is good for her!

I HAVE MY SANITY BACK!

With Some great naps with me not holding her I have more opportunities to give Riley attention that she NEEDS from her mommy! Her behavior has improved quite a bit! We aren't all the way there but we are starting to figure it out!

There are more happy times in our house now! It is amazing how everything can change in a couple days!

It was really my fault, I realized, not Makennas. I was being clingy and not really wanting to put her down! I thought I wasn't ready to give it all up. I wasn't ready to do what I needed to do and I was putting off some of the blame on Mak but when it came to my sanity and Riley's attention I figured out that it was me with the problem! I needed it, Riley needed it and Dale needed it. He needed a happy wife to come home to, to talk to on his lunch break. Not a wife that had lost it all! I am not the only one that needed support in this strange transition!

I wont say that Mak isn't as strong willed as I thought, because BOY IS SHE EVER!!! She LOVES to be held and entertained ALL THE TIME! The thing is that both of us kind of need to find that there are other wonderful ways to get and give the affection that is needed other than constantly being held and cuddled! We still have some work to do in that area but we are working on it!

I am SOOOOOOO unbelievably grateful for the constant support Dale has given me the past three months but I think I depended on him way to much and became incapable when he left me! I needed to know I COULD do it by myself during the week. He continues to give me support but not the kind I was used to! On his hours off on the weekend he really does step up and help me out an unbelievable amount! I could not survive without him!

Are you kidding me?

Today has officially beaten out last Thursday as the worst day of my life! I need some serious help if I am gonna make it through the next couple weeks with both my children's, let alone mine, heads attached!

As if both the girls being ridiculously difficult today wasn't enough... My head is killing me, (probably from the crying) my eyes are burning, (again the crying) My throat is killing me, (not from the crying) and I feel really nauseated and every part of my body feels like it is bruised!

I DO NOT need the flu right now.... We cant afford the flu! My baby CANT get the flu. If I get it Riley will get it then Dale will get it and then Mak will get it from someone!

I need help!

I need a nap!

I need someone to tell me how to get my baby to fall asleep during the day and get her be asleep for longer than 10 minutes somewhere other than my arms!

Most of all I need Dale to be finished with school so I don't have to do this for the next never ending years!

.............

I am not a fan of today. Today is the day Dale has to head back to work after his 3 month paternity leave. He is still in school for 3 more weeks so that means that I wont see him from 7 in the morning until 10:30 at night!

Its the first day and it could not be more horrible! The girls woke up early so I didn't get hardly any sleep, Mak wont stay asleep which means that I am confined to the couch feeding her and Riley wont listen to anything I say!

I feel bad for her because she wont ever see her daddy! His schedule is like this Tuesday through Friday! I seriously am crying thinking about all this! I don't know how many times I have already done this to myself today! I have some separation issues.....

This would be so much easier with Dale here! He can get Mak to sleep and stay asleep and I cant. He was always so good at getting Riley lunch on time and I cant do that because Makenna is always eating or NOT sleeping. Riley is getting NO attention because i am to busy catering to the always needing to be held Makenna.

I don't think this arrangement is going to work out for anybody here! I am so close to just telling Dale to forget his job and just go to school all day! At least he will be able to be home in the afternoons and I would get some sort of sanity during the day!

This is just the first day........